There is so much I CAN do!

December can be a hard time for just about everyone.  It might be the weather, darker days, a busy schedule, not enough time off work, not being able to stick to ones diet, or tension with extended family that is getting together for the holidays.  This month I am not the only one who is struggling  (or any month for that matter!).

It depends on my perspective because really, I am able to do so much.  Thanks to a newer friend who I got to see 2 times this week, my spirits are lifted!  I also was able to be creative with my daughter and cut a couple sweaters into leg warmers.  With the help of my son we are going to finish a mosaic I started a couple years ago.  My daughter and I have a couple more DIY projects lined up to do over her Christmas break.  Things that don't require too much from me but are fun to help her do!

As this year ends I think back to the goals i set for 2011 and look to this coming year to reach some new goals.  One goal for last year was to read at least one book a month.  When I was younger I wasn't interested in reading.  Then for the last 4 years or so my eyes would get blurry so fast that it took me a very long time to get through books.  This challenge to myself ended up being very fun.

My favorites:
 -I read almost all of Anne Lammots books.  They portray women searching for a honest way to live.
 -Finally, after my kids and husband pushed, I read the hunger games series.  I hesitated because I didn't want to read something that stays in a hopeless place.  Once I read, I discovered the series is about never giving up.  Incredible riveting stories!
- I finished the year with The Help.  I loved the way every person was shown to have a good and a bad side.  We are all human.

My main goal for this coming year is I need to learn to just BE.  I want to meditate more.  I want to calm myself completely at some point, each day.  I want to accept myself more, which in turn will help me to not judge others and accept them just the way they are.  I want to learn to be ok within the "unsettled" of life.

Yesterday, I got myself busy doing this and that around the house.  I had just realized that I had spent too long being busy when I suddenly felt light headed and out of breath.  Nearly the second after I understood this  my husband said "you shouldn't be doing all that!".  My defensive Nelly rose up and argued, "But it was important!".  With a smile and a kind voice he said, " No it wasn't!".  We went back and forth a bit and then he said, "Remember your 2012 goal to just BE?  If you were trying to do that you would look at all this stuff and be ok with it instead of wanting to change it.".

  And THAT is just why I need to have it as a goal, because in order to heal, I need to think long term.  Busying myself with a short term goal (ie. a clean kitchen) will give a itty bitty reward.  I have a big goal (healing) and I need a big payout.  So I have to stay focused on that and BE ok with letting go some of the little stuff.   In 2012 that is something I can do, actively practicing CALM each day.

To Dance or Not to Dance

My anger has given way to loneliness.  Now I am just tired of sitting on the sidelines.  I understand and accept I can't join groups I am interested in, and be more involved with relationship building activities.  Even doing a yoga class is too much for me.  Just the idea of getting myself ready and to the location would be a tiring thing.  And I can only do yoga or walking for about 10 minutes, any more and I pay for it in pain or fatigue later. I am looking for a book club and keeping my eyes out for other unique groups where I can build relationships yet not active.

I joined a site online, Pinterest, that allows me to view pictures posts on a variety of topics and them repin my favorites on my bulletin boards under different titles I have chosen.  For a year now, my doctor has been telling me to google images of things I love like Nature, Colors ect.  Pinterest has been a great way for me to do this.  I am rediscovering who I am (inside).  I have a board "Things I will do again soon", "Dream things to do", "Dream vacation spots" and a few more.  Those have reminded me a side of me I almost forgot.

I am active.  I like to play.  I like to be silly.  I am energentic.  I like to try new things.  I am a people person.  I love to ski, skate, hike, waterski, kayak, dance, run, swim, bike.  I have dreams to try more active things.  But the reality is right now I just want to be able to get through the day with out having intense pain that shuts me in my bedroom for the day.  I can't plan to do more.  I can wish.  I become impatient wishing.  Since I can't dance in the way I want to, I am trying to learn how to mentally dance in a way that will give me some of that same sense of fun and release.

Lyme Is #*%*tty!

     These last few days I have become pissed off at the Lyme in my body.   I have had this anger before but have found ways to sort it out and accept where I am at.  However, it is here again with a request.  It wants me to recognize it has the right to come around once in awhile, and it doesn't have to be Fun.
     The kids, Tim and I went to a store and were looking around at things for Christmas presents.  Tim said "Wow I haven't seen you this animated in awhile!".  I said "I am having fun!!".  Well, about a half hour later I had to find a place to sit down in the store and my eyes glazed over and face became expressionless.  He came over and rubbed my knee and sweetly said, "Ok kids, time to get mom home.".  It is wonderful he was ok with it.  However, I was not.
      I want more than an hour outing once a week.  I want more out of this season and more out of this life.  I don't like being on a special diet, taking nearly 100 pills a day & becoming worn out with small tasks.  I want a full life and don't feel I have it.  I am capable of so much more.
      That outing with my family was a week ago and each day since the bitterness has seemed to grow just a tiny bit more.   Part of me feels like my brain is supposed to just shut down for these years while I am healing.  How can my brain engage and grow and be used when I am obligated to do so many mundane tasks throughout the day/week in order to heal.  My schedule is busy with petty things.  I am like a baby with my need to ad- hear to a schedule.  But when I veer from it I push my wellness further into the future.  It makes it a costly choice.  How do I engage my brain in a way that doesn't wear out my body?  And how can I NOT waste my time right now?  I tend to feel like I am wasting time because I am not contributing financially (when we are struggling so much), not able to do household chores (which means everyone else does extra, mostly Tim & which I am so grateful for but I end up getting frustrated that the house doesn't look like I want it to) and I am not involved in activities/art/sports that excite my mind.
     I do not have that much "free" time with all the weekly medical things I have to do for myself.  And then with that "free" time I have such limited energy I feel like I need to budget out my time.  "Okay I will spend today's allotted energy on typing this blog and will have to wait until tomorrow to use more energy.  Tuesday I need to pick up my prescription and while I am there I might as well do a little grocery shopping.  But I should plan out what to get so Monday I will use my allotted energy to plan a meal or 2.   Hopefully, Wednesday or Thursday I will be able to cook some healthy soup because I hate to watch the veggies get old in my fridge."  If I get a few bad days I might not be able to cook until later and then of course the day I cook, I will have no energy for anything else.   I am poor in my bank account and poor in my energy account.
       I need to get out this anger in some healthy way and then get back to feeling grateful for all the things that make my life full of opportunities to smile.

Friends That Help Heal Me

 I wanted to give an update on my health since I have just come home from my recent dcotor trip appointment, but I now have a cold and am kinda out of it.  However, when I was reflecting on these trips I take every other month, I realized I want to share a different aspect.  Friends are an integral part of my doctor trips. 

    There are a few girls who have changed my trips from bring a stressful task to a wonderful part of my healing journey.   The times of my flight and doctor appointments change but somehow these few girls will cover all the travel needs.  

    Heather & I have been close friends since we were 2 years old.  She happens to live in the city my doctor is in, she uses her day off to support me during my doctor appointments.  It has been wonderful to have another set of ears, she take notes and we discuss afterward.  She also will pick me up from Kerensa's (who shows me incredible hospitality by letting me stay at her hip downtown pad & cooking dinner for us!) and Heather will bring me to the airport.  Heather & I love the fact that Agua Verde (an organic mexican cafe) is near my doctor so we get to munch on delicious food, while having a beautiful view of the Lake & always get some laughs in.  At times my dear friend Kat will get to meet us for lunch which is a double bonus!   

Keri will pick me up from the airport (or drop off depending on everyone's schedule's) and then take me somewhere in nature!  The trip from the picture, is when she planned a picnic and brought all the foods I could eat, pillows for me to sit on and we relaxed at a beautiful park.  On my most recent trip, she drove us to Snoqualmi Falls!  We have known each other 20 years and she has been my biggest supporter for years now! 

     I am realizing that these trips are not only vital for checking in with my doctor but aid in my healing physically by mentally getting supported in working through the negative emotions of dealing with this long term illness: Guilt, anger, mental fatigue, worry, ect.   I am beyond grateful!!     

I'm Free! Yet there is plenty I cannot do!

This is my huge dog.  We are on our way back from a walk in the field.  Straight ahead is a little park and my house.  Behind me is a small forest and to both sides I see mountains.  It is mentally a breath of fresh air, so beautiful.  Buddy loves to explore the field.  I love to watch his excitement and see his cute tail curl up. We have been going for a walk almost everyday since I got off Minocycline (1 1/2 months).  I was able to do about 5 minutes in the beginning and now, most days, I can do 20 minutes.  I feel free.  I am getting to use my body again.  I can walk without cramping!

 Walks with Buddy are wonderful times of healing, mentally and physically.  Overall, I have been able to be more active in my life.  I am loving being able to participate in household chores.  Being sick helps me to appreciate that joy!  Yay!  I get to do chores!  Seriously, it is very freeing to be able to help with the laundry & kitchen clean ups.  When I say help, I do mean help out, because I am still not able to do these chores completely and I still have to take it day to day as far as helping at all or how much I can help.  Being able to help more equals more independence which is a great feeling! 

I am still trying to cook healthy big batches of food for myself, but am finding this frustrating.  Cooking for me means 2 things, buying food and buying organic.  That means money and more money.  I haven't been able to work for years and my husband only gets occasional jobs.  At the grocery store a mental battle always happens.  Carrying a list, I go in the store to pick out the organic meat and veggies.   When I get in the meat department and am reaching for the packages of organic meat and see the price per pound my hand will freeze.  My mind questions spending that amount of money for this meat.  A year ago, when I committed my self to eating for healing, I would buy organic for myself and my family.  But again, our income was virtually non-existent and it was not something we were able to continue.  Then I would buy it just for myself.  I would feel guilt rain down me as I watched the kids eating, the regular, meat while I had my own "good stuff".  And now, I have a different mental crisis at the grocery store thinking, "How much will this organic meat contribute to my healing?".  I end up deciding that there are plenty of things I can do for my health that are cheap or nearly cheap.  Such as drinking lots of water, lots of sleep, nap, walk, stretch, laugh, relax, meditate, hot/cold showers, dry brushing, sauna (at moms), kombucha and water kefir (more to come on those soon!).  So it seems the lesson for my life continues, focus on what I can do and try to shake off the frustration of what I cannot do.

Long time no Chrissy!

Well, as you might have noticed, I took the summer off!  I took it off from writing, from cooking big batches of soup, and from doing any art.  I did this intentionally.  My focus in the summer was to soak up my kids as much as possible.  We were able to do lots of hanging out.  Play games, watch movies, go to the beach or water park, and have their friends over.  Honestly, it wasn't enough and when school began I was so sad!  I am a big sap eh?

I wanted the kids to be my focus because I had become unable to do very much at all and had to make a choice where my limited energy would go.  I had begun Minocycline antibiotic in May and it made my muscles cramp so badly that I was hardly able to do anything.  Every time I used a muscle it began to cramp (ie. walking across the house, brushing my hair, ect made my muscles burn and cramp.  So I was hardly able to leave the house and had to push myself to do one of the above activities a week.  I think that is the reason that I cherished those times with my kids so much.

I just had another doctor appointment last week and got off of that dreadful antibiotic and are beginning my new ones today.  I have enjoyed these last few days without my old ones.  For the first time in over 3 months, I have been able to take my dog for a walk.  Walking in the field behind our house with him is so relaxing.  I never knew how much I would miss him stopping every 20 seconds so he can sniff and piss on bushes!  I also have been able to type, sort paperwork (call on bills & look into financial assistance for medications), and cook soup batches.  All which made my fingers or arms or something cramp.  I love feeling like I am taking care of myself like a REAL adult.

I am left to wonder what these coming weeks will look like.  I always get nervous when I begin new antibiotics, knowing there could be negative side effects and at some point the Herx will come.  But for now I will take a deep breathe and go get ready to take my dog out for a lil walk! 
   

Floating Along

I am not settled into summer.  There are a few reasons, a different schedule having the kids home, dealing with new pains, the weather, and nervous about job stuff for my husband. Yet somehow, I am able to really enjoy my family.  Grateful for each trouble being paired with a benefit.  The old Cat Stevens song, "Moonshadow" is my mantra....
--If I ever loose my hands, I won't have to work no more. 
--If I ever loose my eyes, I won't have to cry no more. 
--If I ever loose my legs I won't moan and I won't beg, I won't have to walk no more.
--If I ever loose my mouth all my teeth north and south, I won't have talk no more.
It is such a happy easy going lil' tune!  I can't help but take a deep peaceful breath when listening to it!
 
But in the midst of the good is confusion on how to adapt to these schedule and pain changes while still trying to maintain my rigorous healing schedule.  Honestly, most of my healing tasks get a bit boring and annoying!  They are not fun.  So most of me doesn't want to do them.  But then there is that small but mighty part of me that remembers the big reasons of why to heal: My Family & the Me that is inside me.

So I am left in limbo....feeling like I am in school again procrastinating on my homework.  Not quite able to fully relax into any moment because there is much to do.  One item I have been avoiding is meal planning/shopping/cooking for myself.  That task feels quite burdensome lately and hopefully soon I can brake it down into something smaller.  I know food can be an amazing healing medicine.  In the meantime, thankfully I have freezer meals that Tim did for me for mother's day and my birthday. 

I will just allow myself to be in this unsettled place and float along through it enjoying the fun scenery along the way.  (Right now my son and 2 of his friends are playing wii and making fun happy noises!  It puts a smile on my face too!)

I am sick alot these days

So this is what it feels like to be sick all the time.  I have been bedridden for the past week.  I went to my primary care doctor today because I thought I had strep throat.  I didn't.  It is wonderful to not have to add another antibiotic.  I am just herxing.  Herxing is when all your symptoms flare up when the Spirocyetes are being killed off and it is a miserable thing!  But it is part of the healing so I am glad to be here.

What do I do being so sick?  Trying to sleep a lot.  In between naps I get to watch the kids playing & talk with them.  I listen to music as I try to sleep or a relaxation CD.  Also I got a subliminal healing CD (I requested it from my dad and he had it sent this week!!), that is not nearly as hokey  as it sounds!  It is actually really beautiful with water falls and has a few positive statements to think about while watching the scenery.   I have taken my kids to a summer library program and I got some books on CD which helps when I am hurting too much to hold a book (sounds ridiculous but I am hurting a lot these days).  I just finished The Giver.  Incredible story.  Also, when I can hold a book, I am reading Grace (eventually) by Anne Lammot.    The library also has some great dvd's.  I have been trying to get documentary's so I feel like I am not completely wasting my brain.  The first day of summer break, my daughter was whining she was bored and in her tirade said "and when you watch tv all you watch is dumb boring documentaries!".  I thought it was hilarious! 
Being sick is a whole lot of feeling awful in the midst of life continuing.

A+ Job

Last week I got to see my amazing doctor!  It is so wonderful to no longer dread going to a doctor.  Instead, I look forward to it knowing that I will get help in treating/healing my body!  Also, I get to go to Seattle and I always feel positive energy in the air!

My mom picked me up at 6:15 am and dropped me off at 10pm.  Long day but so much to be grateful for. 

1. My mom is amazing.  Easy going. Sweet.  Funny. Helpful.  A great person to travel with even when given a 1 & 1/2 hr flight delay.
2. I had my new camera with me and got to take quirky pics.  Like the window handle in our rental car. I had not seen a manual handle to roll up/down a window in well over a decade.  They are really a nuisance!  (It was fun to get annoyed by such a trivial thing!  Great distraction from the bigger things!)

3. Received some ideas/help on how to deal with some difficult symptoms I've been dealing with.  Doctor said no nuts and seeds for awhile but added a protein drink.  So that is mixed excitement!  Doctor went over my monthly labs and it showed my kidneys and liver working "to perfection", doctor's words!  My weekly jobs of detoxing are paying off!  Ready to start a new antibiotic that should continue to kill off those buggers! 

4. My doctor cares about the whole person and I am always encouraged when seeing her.  She will say pearls of wisdom.  This time she said, " Illness awakens many gifts!".   What an exciting way to look at this time in my life!     

Now I am home to the mundane hourly tasks to keep my body going in a healing direction.  The biggest struggle this week is trying to figure out what to eat using only beans/legumes, meat (only once a day) and veggies without having to cook every meal.   It took me a week to recover from my doctor day so I am behind on freezer meals.

A unexpected beautiful thing happened tonight at dinner.  Somehow my kids ended up meal planning for me from my old vegetarian cookbooks.  It was so cute, they each were flipping through the cookbooks and then would find a recipe and rattle off questions to see if it pasts the momma's diet requirements!   They make it so worth it to push through and aim for more A+ tests!
  

Friendship

What can I say about friendship that doesn't sound cheesy or redundant? It is life giving. It is vital. Friends are so important in my healing.

A few weeks ago I was having bouts of deep depression. I had a couple long distance friends who I reached out to and were very helpful in giving me encouargement. I am grateful to have friends who give in different ways.

I recently had one of my closest friends, Keri, come for a long weekend. Being with a friend in person mends a heart in magical ways. The weekend was filled with open talks, laughs, taking goofy pictures and hanging out as a family. It left me feeling revitalized, as if I had gone on a vacation.

I am Still Adventurous!

There is a gondola ride in downtown Spokane that goes right over one of the falls. It is unbelievably gorgous! Better than any Disney ride. I no longer get to roller skate, ski or snowboard, hike, or even spend a day out and about shopping or at a festival.


But on Friday May 20, 2011 I got to go with a dear friend, on an adventure that felt like a vacation! It was a whole lotta fun packed into a few minutes. The feel, the smell and what I saw is in my memory for me to draw upon whenever I choose. I have already chosen to many times.

Between the Past and Future

There is a strong desire in most peoples lives: Change. We want to change something all the time, all day long. We are unsatisfied. We forget to live in the moment and seem to waiver between the past and future forgetting the NOW. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Partly because of a book I am reading (Peaceful Warrior) and partly because of my struggle to live with more joy than angst.

I have been dreaming wondering (anxiously awaiting!) about what my life will be like once I am well.  After much contemplation, I think it will be much of the same.  Restlessness, frustration, aggravation, disappointment, joys, support, laughter, inner strength and fun.  I want to relax into those things more now and remind myself not to wait for life to begin.  Remind myself on days like today, when my mind is full of energy yet my body has a schedule of pills, strict diet, detoxing and little strength.  A day where I got to read and watch a movie and will get to spend time hanging out talking with my kids when they get home from school.  This is a demanding yet wonderful place in life.  As will the next stage and next stage in life.  


I remember after I had my first child,  I had a visit from the pastors wife to meet our newborn baby.  I asked which age did she enjoy her kids the most.  She said every age was her favorite because each was filled with so much joy but equally so much hard work!  I have fully agreed!  My kids are now 9 &12 and I continue to find each year my favorite! 


When I focus on what I don't want I end up living in the past or future but missing the NOW.  I want to slow myself to see the small beauties in the mundane and the treasures among the tedious days.  My joy is now!

Okay Today

This disease is costly with my time, our time and financially. But within every hardship is a chance for a new perspective.

I get so much time to sit and chat with the kids and get to do this EVERY day when they get home from school!
I get to watch them play with the neighborhood kids in front of our house, (30 kids live within a few blocks!).
I get time to meditate and explore the meaning of life and re evaluate the simple pleasures in life.
I get to discover the strength that is within me to be tediously consistent with hourly medications and various treatments throughout each day.
I get the love and support of a husband who struggles with the intensity of this disease yet chooses to stay and love me.

For these things & more, I am grateful.

Food: Holidays, Comfort & Cravings

I am proud to say I didn't cheat with food on Easter.  The only thing I had that I shouldn't of was non-organic ham, but I had to have something to eat at Grandma's besides veggies!  I didn't give in to my love for chocolate.  I would find myself gazing at the kids candy and then snap out of it!!   The cinnamon rolls at breakfast and crescent rolls at dinner so tempted me, but thankfully I held up! 

This was not the case on the last holiday celebration.  Before that holiday dinner, I had been off all types of sugar/carbs/dairy for many months and for the first time in my life I was no longer craving junk food.  I begun to feel mentally strong with my relationship with food.  Then we were at the holiday family dinner and I felt like an odd ball eating only the meat and veggies, which equated to hardly anything on my plate.  When it came time for dessert I decided I was going to try a bite of cake.  However, I was served a slice and before I knew it I felt like the cake was the ring in "The Lord of the Rings" and it was my precious!  I couldn't stop eating it!  I gobbled up the whole piece.  That sugar put my body way out of balance and let the Candida feast, grow and become strong.  Basically, it wreaked havoc on my immune system.  The ridiculous thing was the reason I took a piece.  I ate dessert to look normal because I was worried about what family (extended family who know nothing of my disease) would think of my crazy diet and of me.  Very unreasonable thinking, I now know.  I was left felling guilty, immature and weak.  In the coming months I couldn't help but take time thinking about what I was trying to hide and why.

  Since then I have relaxed into my diet although the cravings have been so tough since then.  To be honest, I've been cheating every few weeks with just a bite or 2 of something a family member has left on the counter.  I will become overwhelmed with an urgency to get just a piece and then a moment later when the flavor is gone, I ponder why the hell I just did that.  The joy lasted just a minute and then poof: Gone!  Why did I do that?  What made me think I needed that?  IT makes me sicker and what benefit did I get in return?  Nothing!  Nothing.

I am still working through my relationship to food.  I think it is human to have a "relationship" with food.  We were given taste yet live in a society that is about quick food.   Lately, I have been very frustrated with not being able to grab comfort food. Like homemade mac n cheese, breads or pizza or even just grab an "easy" meal.  It is really tough making sure all the food I eat is pure nourishment.  The average person doesn't eat like that, if fact I don't think hardly anyone eats like that all the time.  But I am very sick and need this healing to be as quick as possible!

I am trying to build my relationship with food to be healthier but full of passion!  I want my taste buds to get excited at least at some of the meals!  I do LOVE flavorful chicken salad with chunks of fresh basil and good olive oil!  I relish in it. The challenging thing is that everything that tastes good, takes preparation, time and planning!  Which means it all takes Energy, which I have a limited supply of.  Hence the challenge.  These are a few of my favorite easy eats: Brussell sprouts baked in olive oil, red bell pepper & hummus, carrots and almond butter with cinnamon, raw cashews baked in coconut oil, almonds baked in Tamari sauce, avocado with fresh basil and salt on rice cake, pecans fried in coconut oil and cinnamon, sweet potatoes with butter and cinnamon.

The other day my husband said to me, "You are learning to eat so well, treating yourself to delicious tasting food for your meals that once you are well you won't want to eat junk food! It won't taste good".  I hope he is right!!

One of My Jobs!

This is one  of my weekly jobs, filling my pill containers (Monday-Sunday).  I am conflicted on sharing the details of my job.  One the one hand, the point of this blog is to tell my Lyme story.  On the other hand, I feel like an oddity.  For a long time, I was sick in ways no one around me could understand (myself and doctors included).  
Since being diagnosed with Lyme Disease, I am also working through changing my perspective of going from an unknown plaguing illness to "I know what it is!"

  However, it is still hard to bring to light the details of what I do on a daily basis to heal.  To look at the list of tasks makes me sound ludicrous and a bit excessive.  So let me begin by saying why I do all of these things.       After much research I have come to trust my doctor and this protocol I follow.  However, the main reason for my discipline with research and my daily schedule is I am committed to heal!  I have goals, and dreams and a constant desire to be part of LIVING!  Just being around my husband and kids makes me not want to miss anything!  So with that focus clear in my mind throughout each day I am willing to have my job be "getting well".    

   My full time job is Healing.  It is what I work on throughout each day, everyday.  I am on strict orders from the doctors to take this seriously because so many parts of my body have been on the verge of collapsing.  Blood work is amazingly beautiful in the way it can take pictures of whats going on inside, and thankfully help explain my symptoms.  All of this damage from the spirochetes will take 3-5 years to heal from.  I am still in year one of that process.  At my last doctors appointment, my doctor said “You are small but mighty!  I can’t believe how well you are doing considering how sick you are.  Keep up the good work!”.  The “good work” is my job and consists of  following all of the suggestions my doctor gives me. 

 Here are my Jobs:

-----Between the hours of 9am and 2pm I take pills every hour on the hour.  I take just shy of 100 pills a day at various times during the day.

-----Once a week, I fill my pill containers.  As you can see in the picture I set up the recycle close by so I can toss in empty pill bottles, I also set up piles for different containers I use throughout the day.  Thanks to an organizational guru, my mom, this whole process only takes me about an hour.  Before she helped me set up a system it was much harder and mistakes were more easily made.  Now I have a spreadsheet that has all the pills numbered with information about each pill like how many pills I take, how many times a day I take it, when I take it, and how often to reorder.  Since each medication/supplement is numbered, I just line em’ up and start the refilling!

-----I juice fresh carrot with some combination of (garlic, parsley, celery, beet, cabbage ect) at least 2 times a week.  I reference the book Super Juice for all things juicing, like detailed nutritional information. 

-----I use a infra red sauna 2 times a week.   www.promolifenews.com/far-infrared-elixir-of-light/

-----Everyday I go for a walk for anywhere between 3-30 minutes.  It sounds humerus, but how long I walk really depends on how my body is doing on each particular day.  6 months ago I couldn’t walk even 3 houses down.  So I began by walking 2 houses and never pushing myself too much.

-----I cook a double batch of dinner (usually stews/soups) 4 times a week and pack in serving sizes to eat for breakfast and lunches.  Combined with that is meal planning and if I am up for it grocery shopping.  If not my hubby will do the shopping.  He does nearly all the clean up and cooks the other nights.

-----I do a coffee enema 1 time a week (sounds gross and embarrassing but helps and everything I have read has said it is an amazing way to detox. And inexpensive! You should try it!) http://www.livestrong.com/article/267222-what-are-the-benefits-of-coffee-enemas-to-cleanse-the-colon/

http://www.gerson.org/

-----Detox baths 2+ times a week (2 cups baking soda, 2 cups Epsom salt)

-----Dry brushing 5+ times a week (using a natural Bristol brush                                     -Resting/meditating/napping with mind at rest throughout each day.  Basically, between each activity I do a whole lotta resting.

-Drinking more water than I think I can bear!  I was getting 8-10 of 8oz glasses of water but my blood work kept coming back saying I need to drink more!  So now I am drinking more! Herbal teas 4+ times a week.

I am still trying to figure out the balance of the other areas of my life & my job.  Categorizing it as a job does help me relax into its role in my life. 

Under Our Skin-My words never spoken

Awe.  I am in awe of this film.  It had me mesmerized by its brutal honesty.  It was as if my plight was being told.  It felt like home.  Home is a place where you can be honest, cry, rest, recuperate.

The experience in watching the movie was cathartic.  I felt naked and exposed.  It meant I no longer needed to hide.  I could relax into who I am.  Or who I was recently.  I was a mistreated patient, who had been unsure if I was loosing my head or just the function of my body.  I have been unable to protect my kids from whats wrong with momma, and weary at the preconceived ideas of what a mom should be.  I am a woman who was finally ready to lay bare before my friends.

Under Our Skin did an amazing job at showing the full spectrum of what I have been dealing with in my Lyme Disease.  I was enraged at seeing all the pieces fit together as to why my diagnosis has been so hard to obtain.  These are the reasons I haven’t been able to articulate to my friends and family the depth of my illness.  This movie is essentially the story of the last decade (or two) of my, well actually, our lives.

That is why I passionately say, “I would love for you to see it.  You gotta see it!”!    

Under Our Skin followed the journey of people dealing with their extensive amount of symptoms and the effects it has on their daily lives.  It showed the unfortunate battle in the courtroom that is constantly taking place with Doctors who are willing to treat Lyme patients. It investigated the Conflicts of interests in the members who are in charge of the IDSA guidelines for Lyme. That was incredibly infuriating for me to learn!  Those 12 questionable members, have been updating the guidelines for over 15 years!   The documentary also made the comparison for the treatment of Lyme to various diseases.  The current Lyme treatment guidelines are to treat with antibiotics for up to 2 weeks.  However, no other serious disease is treated for such a short amount of time.

Under Our Skin reminded me how lucky I am to have a supportive husband, children & mom, to have support to pay for medical care so my disease isn't fatal, to have found an amazing Lyme literate doctor who is willing to put their life on the line for patients.

I am also immensely grateful for Dr. Alan McDonald, who explained how his research discovering Biofilm, dismantles the argument that Lyme is all in your head!  Biofilm explains why I have Chronic Lyme and why it is hard to treat.  Basically, the same strand of bacteria may be hundreds or thousands of times more resistant to antibiotics because the colony of Borrellei is protected by a gel like substance.

        “The fact that Lyme is a significant disease that there is no cure for and no accurate testing-should scare people” Under Our Skin

Although it was difficult to watch this film, creating a vast array of emotions, it also filled me with hope. I realized I too could become unashamed of my story.  If changes to this whole system can be made, there is hope for future Lymies.  Advocacy is a must. 

My hope is to have as many people as possible watch the film creating a snowball effect to bring awareness to this disease. To begin that awareness, I want to get at least 30 people in 30 days to watch this movie.  After you watch it, or if you recently watched it, answer my poll question (to the right-Did you watch Under Our Skin?).  Then we can tract how many people are seeing it!  

You can now rent it or buy it through Amazon on this blog and I get a small percentage.I would love to read your comments and have you choose to follow my blog!  Thanks for checking out this article!

No Prime Time TV?!! Relaxing with Kierkegaard?

    Yup I finally did it, I agreed to get rid of our Dish Network! No more prime time TV.  No more channel flipping.  No more easy access to mindless watching.  It is the best thing we’ve done all year!  OK, so we are only in month 3 of this year, but seriously this is an amazing discovery.

    My husband had been suggesting it for years.  But as my health decreased in the last few years I was able to do little else.  Until recently, I wasn’t able to read for more than a few minutes.  So being able to listen and watch (even if it was blurry) was something entertaining to do.  I did try to make decent TV choices.   

 

    We haven’t actually put the TV to the curb.  We did get Hulu and have instant Netflix.  However, our TV watching has dramatically gone down.  We now spend more time in the living room reading.  My son has been going through different series books like crazy.  My husband and daughter have been reading through a few different books and discussing them.  I have been journaling more, connecting with the huge Lyme community (which until recently I didn’t know existed) and I have been reading more.

 

    As I mentioned some of my symptoms from Lyme have greatly improved from the last couple years.  I am still very sick and cannot do much in a day, but I am not having short term memory loss, difficulty concentrating and not nearly as much blurry vision. That was awful to struggle with.  Now that I free of those conditions I want to celebrate by USING my brain!!  It has been so fun getting to read and retain the information! Now that I have my mind nearly back, I figured it would be great for me to start learning some of the stuff I missed out learning in college.  My health kept me from completing college year after year. This year 2011, I want to learn new things, expand my mind.   In future blogs I will share some of what I am gleaning from different books I am getting to read.  

    I just started reading Keirkagaard For Beginners.  Wow, I didn’t realize existentialism isn’t a scary thing.  I thought it was a lofty philosophy thing that I wouldn’t be able to understand and it would just make my head hurt.  Well, maybe reading Keirkagaards writings would certainly do that.  So it is good I am starting with this beginners book-it even has drawings on each page and uses humor!  It is MY kind of book!

    I do love the idea that subjective truth asks the question "How?" and looks to see the way a person answers by their actions not merely what they say.  This has been a truth I have seen beautifully since my diagnosis with Lyme Disease.  When I became more honest about the depth of my debilitating struggles due to my Lyme, friends responded.   I had to become a person willing to question and look into what was going on with my body even when objectively it appeared I should stop looking for something different than what was before me.  I had answers from my set of 5 doctors who were treating me for various ailments.  Yet my experiences said that is NOT the truth.  I am glad I was able to question, get a Lyme diagnosis and begin to heal.  I can now relax into the fact that I am sick in ways that most don't understand.  Now throughout each day, I am able to see small things worth smiling about.  My actions show I am a grateful person.  Who knew that all stems from Kierkagaards philosophy?

And The Bout Continues...

    I feel like a grandparent.  I am in the body of a elderly woman, wondering how I lost my youth so fast.  Full of ideas and desires that want to be lived out.  Saddened by the reality that my body cannot fulfill my wishes.  Wondering what the future holds.  If I want to keep open the possibilities of my future I need to stay in reality.  If there is to be hope I have to see the gravity of my situation or I will not make daily choices that will guide me to health.   

    At times I find it haunting to realize where I am at.  It is constantly telling my body “No.  Don’t touch that, do that, be part of that.”.   It is having to then rationalize to myself WHY I am unable to do a simple task such as load the dishwasher when it will only take 5 minutes.  My stubborn voice will argue, "But, it will allow for the kitchen to not be such a mess!".  It is giving myself a scolding, "NO don’t pick up the items that have fallen to the floor!", and adding the kind reminder of "You are too sick. You don’t need it picked up. Do something else.".   

 

    As I listen to the dialogue in my head I am trying to be submissive but am distracted once more with my stack of paperwork, things that need to be sorted.  I decide I can sit and do this.  I spend 10 minutes, and have accomplished piles.  Nearly complete.  Just need to put away piles.  The pain within me becomes unbearable-headache, nausea, exhaustion, mental fatigue.  I must stop.  But now I have created a bigger mess.  I am leaving things cluttered and am disgusted with myself.  I move to the couch and on the way see my purse flown on the couch and say, “Oh that will take one quick minute to put away. I can help do SOMETHING!”.  However, once it is “away” I see shoes out of place and a sweatshirt on the floor, a dish that needs to be brought to the kitchen, Buddy's toys across the floor and in goes on and on and on and on like the yellow lines on the midnight road. 

    I feel this craziness in my head all day long.  Debating, pleading, begging, arguing, justifying.  It is utter confusion.  It is not healthy.  It is a stage.  It is depression.  It is chronic illness.  It is normal.  It is OK.  It is awful.  It is a coping mechanism.  It is important.  It is necessity.  It is my life. 

And now I think, what will I eat today?  "Ah, too tired to think about it!  It doesn't matter!"!  Then the reasonable, patient me says, " Yes it does!  You want to heal so you must eat and eat well.  You can take time to prepare a little something.".  Once again the debates in my head begin.  Same battles, new topic.  Where is the retreat for my mind?  Where can I find a break from the multiple personalities constant bicker?  Meditation.  "Boring!",   "Everything doesn't have to be FUN! Just do it. Try. Hope. Believe." ….the bout continues……

I wrote this in my journal last August.

Yeah! Self Magazine did an article on Lyme Disease!

So wonderful to see this article in SELF Magazine!  Great overview of Lyme Disease.  They covered the problems of diagnosing Lyme Disease, of getting significant amounts of antibiotics, lack of doctors with knowledge on Lyme, what Chronic Lyme is, co-infections like Babesiosis, and problems in recovery.

They told the story of one woman, Durham and shared her oh so common story,
    "Durham has improved, though not recovered. She is on a medical leave of absence; unable to afford her Manhattan apartment, she moved in with her mother. She still fatigues easily, and her eyesight and attention are affected. "What makes me mad is I knew something was wrong back in 2006, and no one looked at it," she says. "I want people to know they should listen to their body and not give up. They are not alone if they are going through this." SELF 


I could relate to this because over 15 years ago, I knew something was wrong with me but wasn't diagnosed with Lyme Disease, and the many co-infections, until about a year ago.  The only reason I was properly diagnosed is because I finally got tired of having 5 doctors treating all my different medical problems to no avail.  Oh and I also decided I AM NOT CRAZY and began tirelessly seeking new answers through different doctors.

It was impressive that the article also shared the dark secret of Lyme: It can be fatal.
      "Although babesiosis is less common than Lyme, you can argue that it creates as big a health burden, because of its severity and fatality rates," says Peter J. Krause, M.D., senior research scientist at the Yale School of Public Health in New Haven, Connecticut. "There are more cases than we previously thought, and babesiosis is also the number-one reported cause of infections through blood transfusions in the United States." But because medical awareness has not kept up, patients have been overlooked, undertreated and taken by surprise when their enjoyment of the outdoors—a hike, a run, a round of golf, their own backyard—turns into a life-altering threat."  SELF

I am still comming to terms with how sobering this disease really is.  It is hard to embrace how truly sick I am.  I am eternally grateful for my doctor who spends over an hour a month with me going over various things.  My doctor will spend time to make sure I understand the foreign language of my labs.  After my doctor has spent time interpreting them, I am always told to walk away with this, "Chrissy, you are so sick.  Your body is so fragile."  Initially I always HATE hearing that.  After I have allowed myself to vent a bit and get pissed off I am able to take a deep breath and relax into it.   I realize it is soothing that my doctor knows how awful I feel.  There is so much hope in hearing the severity of my sickness because it means this is not normal.   I will not always have to deal with great pain & have such difficulty doing simple daily tasks.  I can and I will feel better than this someday.  I can dream of more. I can succeed in so much more.

"As tiny ticks proliferate across the country, they are spreading diseases you and your doctor probably haven't heard of." SELF
That is why advocacy is so important. Spread your story or my story of Lyme. 

http://www.self.com/health/2011/03/rare-diseases-spread-by-ticks?currentPage=1

Valentines Day-The Day of Gratitude

Today I have my normal headache, my fingers hurt to bend, the bill of my hat can't seem to block any of the painful lights, since I awoke my stomach has grown from a small pooch to a beautiful round pregnant looking belly, other pains remind me my stomach is not well, with quiet I hear faint ringing, walking to get the mail left me out of breath & more annoying symptoms I don't wish to try to think of at the moment.  

However, today is a day of love.  I am happy to celebrate this day of LOVE. To show love is to show gratitude. I am grateful for so many things. 

I might be unable to do much, but I am not lifeless.  To show my gratitude to my husband and kids, I came up with some fun ideas to celebrate this day.  

1. My all time favorite easy idea is to use colored dry erase markers on the mirrors!  In the kids bathroom was their own fancy decorated Happy Valentines Day! And a reminder to love those around you today and show kindness to the kids at school!  Tim, my husband got his own letter written on our mirror.     

2. For my husband, little notes of expressing the different areas of our relationship were left in his coffee grounds, lunch bag, sink and bed.

3. Card treasure hunt for the kids, ending with a few candies and four $1.  

Okay so I might be cheap, but I am creatively loving!  But now I hurt so much all over and my body feels over stimulated.  I need to go to sleep.  My insomnia has been making it so I do not get to meet my dreams for about 3 hours.  Tonight I get to try a larger dose of Melatonin per my doctors recommendation.