These last few days I have become pissed off at the Lyme in my body. I have had this anger before but have found ways to sort it out and accept where I am at. However, it is here again with a request. It wants me to recognize it has the right to come around once in awhile, and it doesn't have to be Fun.
The kids, Tim and I went to a store and were looking around at things for Christmas presents. Tim said "Wow I haven't seen you this animated in awhile!". I said "I am having fun!!". Well, about a half hour later I had to find a place to sit down in the store and my eyes glazed over and face became expressionless. He came over and rubbed my knee and sweetly said, "Ok kids, time to get mom home.". It is wonderful he was ok with it. However, I was not.
I want more than an hour outing once a week. I want more out of this season and more out of this life. I don't like being on a special diet, taking nearly 100 pills a day & becoming worn out with small tasks. I want a full life and don't feel I have it. I am capable of so much more.
That outing with my family was a week ago and each day since the bitterness has seemed to grow just a tiny bit more. Part of me feels like my brain is supposed to just shut down for these years while I am healing. How can my brain engage and grow and be used when I am obligated to do so many mundane tasks throughout the day/week in order to heal. My schedule is busy with petty things. I am like a baby with my need to ad- hear to a schedule. But when I veer from it I push my wellness further into the future. It makes it a costly choice. How do I engage my brain in a way that doesn't wear out my body? And how can I NOT waste my time right now? I tend to feel like I am wasting time because I am not contributing financially (when we are struggling so much), not able to do household chores (which means everyone else does extra, mostly Tim & which I am so grateful for but I end up getting frustrated that the house doesn't look like I want it to) and I am not involved in activities/art/sports that excite my mind.
I do not have that much "free" time with all the weekly medical things I have to do for myself. And then with that "free" time I have such limited energy I feel like I need to budget out my time. "Okay I will spend today's allotted energy on typing this blog and will have to wait until tomorrow to use more energy. Tuesday I need to pick up my prescription and while I am there I might as well do a little grocery shopping. But I should plan out what to get so Monday I will use my allotted energy to plan a meal or 2. Hopefully, Wednesday or Thursday I will be able to cook some healthy soup because I hate to watch the veggies get old in my fridge." If I get a few bad days I might not be able to cook until later and then of course the day I cook, I will have no energy for anything else. I am poor in my bank account and poor in my energy account.
I need to get out this anger in some healthy way and then get back to feeling grateful for all the things that make my life full of opportunities to smile.
The kids, Tim and I went to a store and were looking around at things for Christmas presents. Tim said "Wow I haven't seen you this animated in awhile!". I said "I am having fun!!". Well, about a half hour later I had to find a place to sit down in the store and my eyes glazed over and face became expressionless. He came over and rubbed my knee and sweetly said, "Ok kids, time to get mom home.". It is wonderful he was ok with it. However, I was not.
I want more than an hour outing once a week. I want more out of this season and more out of this life. I don't like being on a special diet, taking nearly 100 pills a day & becoming worn out with small tasks. I want a full life and don't feel I have it. I am capable of so much more.
That outing with my family was a week ago and each day since the bitterness has seemed to grow just a tiny bit more. Part of me feels like my brain is supposed to just shut down for these years while I am healing. How can my brain engage and grow and be used when I am obligated to do so many mundane tasks throughout the day/week in order to heal. My schedule is busy with petty things. I am like a baby with my need to ad- hear to a schedule. But when I veer from it I push my wellness further into the future. It makes it a costly choice. How do I engage my brain in a way that doesn't wear out my body? And how can I NOT waste my time right now? I tend to feel like I am wasting time because I am not contributing financially (when we are struggling so much), not able to do household chores (which means everyone else does extra, mostly Tim & which I am so grateful for but I end up getting frustrated that the house doesn't look like I want it to) and I am not involved in activities/art/sports that excite my mind.
I do not have that much "free" time with all the weekly medical things I have to do for myself. And then with that "free" time I have such limited energy I feel like I need to budget out my time. "Okay I will spend today's allotted energy on typing this blog and will have to wait until tomorrow to use more energy. Tuesday I need to pick up my prescription and while I am there I might as well do a little grocery shopping. But I should plan out what to get so Monday I will use my allotted energy to plan a meal or 2. Hopefully, Wednesday or Thursday I will be able to cook some healthy soup because I hate to watch the veggies get old in my fridge." If I get a few bad days I might not be able to cook until later and then of course the day I cook, I will have no energy for anything else. I am poor in my bank account and poor in my energy account.
I need to get out this anger in some healthy way and then get back to feeling grateful for all the things that make my life full of opportunities to smile.
Oy. I TOTALLY understand this! I'm (mostly) used to being tired & in pain all the time, so I just deal with it--BUT it seems impossible to never get angry & frustrated. It's so difficult to feel like you're living a limited life, or like you can't do the things you used to do, and to feel guilty for having to cancel plans. It can be especially difficult this time of year, for many reasons. Take a few deep breaths & TRY to think about what you do have & what you can do. It will get better, and it will probably get worse again (I'm cheerful, I know). Watch that shopping list video again--It's good for at least a few minutes of fun!! xoxo
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