32 Pills!  Yup that is my after breakfast & after lunch "treat".  I am at my work right now.  I had to take a break to get down these beggars.  

     It is wonderful that I have an private office to keep my stash of pills, water, food and other items I still need for my healing.  However, I am battling the agitation of taking these guys & still having to care so tenderly to my body needs.  I want to take some of the focus off ME.  Or maybe I just want to shift the focus to other things.   

     At my last doctor apt, my protocol was all changed up and I have had a lot of problems getting all the new pills.  As you might have noted, there is a lot!  Part of the problem has been money and part has been snow & the holiday season slowing down receiving them.   I still do not have all of them and it has been a month.  I am so dang frustrated because if I am going to keep having to deal with the troubles of Lyme, I want to do as much as I can to get well.  (But then there is an opposing view in my head too.  I also do not want to only eat veggies and protein right now. ) So to clarify, I want to do the easier stuff to heal.  

     The 2 sides of my mind are just battling it out when it comes to food.  I am not off the band wagon completely but have been having corn items and gluten free items with sugar.  For me that is not good.  My stomach is now swelled to looking like I did when I was 6 months pregnant.  A few years ago that was a big sign something was seriously wrong.  Now it is a undeniable red flag I am am not eating right (right for me at this time in my life).  Eating only veggies and protein takes time and effort to not make it boring and I just can't seem to focus on that with everything else going on in my life.

     Back to work.

Gone but Good

     Ok, it has been way too long since I have written an update.  I have been gone from writing but I am doing GOOD!
      Last summer I felt so much improvement,  I knew I was getting better.  Since my treatment began I wondered how much better I would get.  I still wonder, but I do not have as many doubts as I used to.  I know I will make a recovery like I never could imagine.
     I am still sick and must limit my daily activities or I get alot of pain reminding me to take better care of myself.  But I have begun working part time.  It is wonderful to be able to dream a bit more of a more active life, of exercising, riding my bike, roller skating, hiking, swimming, going on water slides ect ect ect!
      The hard parts now are remembering that although I am feeling better I still have to take care of myself by a strict diet, lots of sleep, and taking all of my supplements/medicines.  My doctor is brilliant and although at times I absolutely hate taking my pills I now see that each one has a specific healing function and they are all part of my journey to health.  When I went back to work in August, I soon started to lag in taking care of my health and so my body had to scream at me (in a not very sweet way) to get back to my program!
      Now I make sure I am doing detoxing once a week, drinking at least 8-10 glasses of water a day, eating fresh garlic & healthy foods, sleeping sleeping sleeping and taking tons and tons of pills!
      Chronic Lyme is horrible, but our bodies want to heal and can heal if given the right circumstances.  I am lucky to have huge support from my husband to allow our house to be a place of healing for me.  I have also been extremely lucky to have received financial support to pay for all my expensive Lyme treatment.  I really feel for those who don't have those 2 key components   My prayer for 2013 is that we as a society will come closer to:
 In the near future, treatment can be covered by insurance, treatments will be quicker working, testing can be improved and knowledge of Chronic Lyme can become widespread & accepted.

To Live More Fully

As I am healing, and not feeling so sick constantly, I am able to have more choices.  For years, my "free time" was basically non-exsistant.  If I did do something fun for a bit I was in recovery, on bed rest, for days.  In this last year that has slowly been changing.  I am becoming more normal.

I feel like others, "normal", in that when I get a few minutes, what do I do with it?  Do I stay in touch with an old friend?  Or a new one?  Play games on the computer?  Organize paperwork?  Draw or be creative?  Watch TV?  Play with my kids (what they want to play)?  Meal plan?  Detox bath?  Ect....?....?....?   My mind gets cluttered with these choices, and I end up choosing the laziest.  I don't want to waste time, I want to treat myself as more important than that.

I was talking with a friend the other day who was sharing about the struggles of being a mom and keeping balance within herself, the kids and her home.  But before long, she stopped sharing because she said she felt like it was whining compared to me dealing with my health problems.  In no way did I feel like her struggles were whines.

The thing I realize is struggle is always there for each person.  We each have our own Sh#t to deal with and in that struggle we can all relate.   When we take a look at our day to day life, we all share a desire to be more than we are currently being.  We see where we are damaged.  At times it can weigh us down.  We feel isolated because it is OUR issue(s) that we have to figure out how to muster up the strength to respond to.  We realize life is valuable and we have to be sure we are making the most of it.  Everyone has a story, a story of how they are trying to make the most of this life, and a story of why they try hard or try just a little at living.  Your story is as important as mine.  I tell my story to live more fully.  Please tell me yours so I can live more fully.    

Turning Up the Heat

    I really enjoyed the snow during the winter and now that it is spring I am loving the sun and heat!    With the season change also comes changes in my treatment.  The spirochetes continue to look for weakness in my body and want to take over as much as they can.  The spirochetes are also tricky lil buggers, so we've got to outwit them.  I had another doctor appointment last week and after a hour of questions and tests, it was decided to turn up the heat.  I was told it HAS to get worse before it gets better so these next 2 months will be rougher than the last 2.  At least I get to have my treatments at home!  

     I am staying on the same 2 prescription antibiotics (just doubling the dose of one) and 5 herbal antibiotics.  Then I am beginning another prescription and 2 more herbal antibiotics. 

     It hurts to kill off the Lyme & co-infections.  All kinds of strange, annoying, and painful symptoms come up.  My mouth has tasted like metal for a week, my sleep has much disturbance the , off and on sore throat and swollen glands and for a whole week for the last few months I will feel as though I just got whiplash.  I also have overall weakness.  I just went out in the beautiful sunshine with my dog for a walk and had to turn back after 5 minutes.  Those were some calm, painful, enjoyable minutes. 

      The way I look at it is this is the part of my life that is my struggle, everyone has something.  I am where I am supposed to be...healing.  Reaching goals is not easy, it is work.  My goal is 3 years to heal (doctor said 3-5 years) so I have another 1 1/2 to go.  

     I feel incredibly lucky and grateful to have a great support system (My doctor, Heather-My doctor visit driver, note taker & support, Tim-my husband who has set up the house for me to be able to heal, my kids-who are encouraging and helpful to help me stick to my goal, my mom-listens, organizes my medications, finacial, JP-my couch buddy so I am not so lonely being homebound).  Also for Angel Flight who flies me to & from Seattle every 2 months, helping the trip be a little less exhausting!  

Burdens & Blessings Today & Each Day

Being sick can be just downright icky!!  There are moments, or longer, when I forget how sick I am.  The reminder comes like a punch in the stomach. Oooofta!  Wait!  What?!  Oh yeah, I am sick.  Really sick.  It is like having the flu all the time.  You just want to get better.

In my last post I shared about my treatment changes and how it was expected for me to herx.  Yes.  The herx has come.  It took a hold of me terribly for over a week and had me on bed rest (or bed pain).  Then let up but has left me with muscle cramps, stomach upset, occasional nausea, fatigue, insomnia (lying in bed for hours feeling like I am only a second away from sleep.  It is quite a not very funny joke that is being played on me!), headaches, migraines, joint pain and others I can't think of at the moment.

It is frustrating to have so much pain with any movement.  It hurts in each part of my body within the muscles and joints.  My mind wants to do so much from chores to hanging out with friends and family to reaching bigger goals.  I get energized/excited to be with people then feel something like the flu, slam into my body, screaming "GO LAY DOWN NOW!".   I grudgingly say, "geez okay, okay.  You didn't have to throw such a fuss!".  In return I hear, "That is the only way you will listen!".

I succumb, to this point in life where I find myself, experiencing peace and joy in the midst.  Each person has their own burdens and blessings.  Above are some of the burdens, below are some blessings:

-long weekend visits from both Keri and Heather
-getting lots of time to sit and talk with my kids
-our house with big windows & being next to a field, park and my kids schools
-going for walks with my dog (even if they are only 5 minutes)
-getting to live where it snows
-getting to live where there is sunshine
-getting warm summers
-I get to have lots and lots of Sea Salt
-I can have fruit
-understanding, helpful husband and kids
-having so many similar interests as my kids and hubby
-for a loving family
-for help to pay for my treatments so one day I will be well
-for the hope for a NEW & IMPROVED me!
With this joy and hope I am motivated to continue on with my busy day of treatments, today and each day.