I'm Free! Yet there is plenty I cannot do!

This is my huge dog.  We are on our way back from a walk in the field.  Straight ahead is a little park and my house.  Behind me is a small forest and to both sides I see mountains.  It is mentally a breath of fresh air, so beautiful.  Buddy loves to explore the field.  I love to watch his excitement and see his cute tail curl up. We have been going for a walk almost everyday since I got off Minocycline (1 1/2 months).  I was able to do about 5 minutes in the beginning and now, most days, I can do 20 minutes.  I feel free.  I am getting to use my body again.  I can walk without cramping!

 Walks with Buddy are wonderful times of healing, mentally and physically.  Overall, I have been able to be more active in my life.  I am loving being able to participate in household chores.  Being sick helps me to appreciate that joy!  Yay!  I get to do chores!  Seriously, it is very freeing to be able to help with the laundry & kitchen clean ups.  When I say help, I do mean help out, because I am still not able to do these chores completely and I still have to take it day to day as far as helping at all or how much I can help.  Being able to help more equals more independence which is a great feeling! 

I am still trying to cook healthy big batches of food for myself, but am finding this frustrating.  Cooking for me means 2 things, buying food and buying organic.  That means money and more money.  I haven't been able to work for years and my husband only gets occasional jobs.  At the grocery store a mental battle always happens.  Carrying a list, I go in the store to pick out the organic meat and veggies.   When I get in the meat department and am reaching for the packages of organic meat and see the price per pound my hand will freeze.  My mind questions spending that amount of money for this meat.  A year ago, when I committed my self to eating for healing, I would buy organic for myself and my family.  But again, our income was virtually non-existent and it was not something we were able to continue.  Then I would buy it just for myself.  I would feel guilt rain down me as I watched the kids eating, the regular, meat while I had my own "good stuff".  And now, I have a different mental crisis at the grocery store thinking, "How much will this organic meat contribute to my healing?".  I end up deciding that there are plenty of things I can do for my health that are cheap or nearly cheap.  Such as drinking lots of water, lots of sleep, nap, walk, stretch, laugh, relax, meditate, hot/cold showers, dry brushing, sauna (at moms), kombucha and water kefir (more to come on those soon!).  So it seems the lesson for my life continues, focus on what I can do and try to shake off the frustration of what I cannot do.

Long time no Chrissy!

Well, as you might have noticed, I took the summer off!  I took it off from writing, from cooking big batches of soup, and from doing any art.  I did this intentionally.  My focus in the summer was to soak up my kids as much as possible.  We were able to do lots of hanging out.  Play games, watch movies, go to the beach or water park, and have their friends over.  Honestly, it wasn't enough and when school began I was so sad!  I am a big sap eh?

I wanted the kids to be my focus because I had become unable to do very much at all and had to make a choice where my limited energy would go.  I had begun Minocycline antibiotic in May and it made my muscles cramp so badly that I was hardly able to do anything.  Every time I used a muscle it began to cramp (ie. walking across the house, brushing my hair, ect made my muscles burn and cramp.  So I was hardly able to leave the house and had to push myself to do one of the above activities a week.  I think that is the reason that I cherished those times with my kids so much.

I just had another doctor appointment last week and got off of that dreadful antibiotic and are beginning my new ones today.  I have enjoyed these last few days without my old ones.  For the first time in over 3 months, I have been able to take my dog for a walk.  Walking in the field behind our house with him is so relaxing.  I never knew how much I would miss him stopping every 20 seconds so he can sniff and piss on bushes!  I also have been able to type, sort paperwork (call on bills & look into financial assistance for medications), and cook soup batches.  All which made my fingers or arms or something cramp.  I love feeling like I am taking care of myself like a REAL adult.

I am left to wonder what these coming weeks will look like.  I always get nervous when I begin new antibiotics, knowing there could be negative side effects and at some point the Herx will come.  But for now I will take a deep breathe and go get ready to take my dog out for a lil walk! 
   

Floating Along

I am not settled into summer.  There are a few reasons, a different schedule having the kids home, dealing with new pains, the weather, and nervous about job stuff for my husband. Yet somehow, I am able to really enjoy my family.  Grateful for each trouble being paired with a benefit.  The old Cat Stevens song, "Moonshadow" is my mantra....
--If I ever loose my hands, I won't have to work no more. 
--If I ever loose my eyes, I won't have to cry no more. 
--If I ever loose my legs I won't moan and I won't beg, I won't have to walk no more.
--If I ever loose my mouth all my teeth north and south, I won't have talk no more.
It is such a happy easy going lil' tune!  I can't help but take a deep peaceful breath when listening to it!
 
But in the midst of the good is confusion on how to adapt to these schedule and pain changes while still trying to maintain my rigorous healing schedule.  Honestly, most of my healing tasks get a bit boring and annoying!  They are not fun.  So most of me doesn't want to do them.  But then there is that small but mighty part of me that remembers the big reasons of why to heal: My Family & the Me that is inside me.

So I am left in limbo....feeling like I am in school again procrastinating on my homework.  Not quite able to fully relax into any moment because there is much to do.  One item I have been avoiding is meal planning/shopping/cooking for myself.  That task feels quite burdensome lately and hopefully soon I can brake it down into something smaller.  I know food can be an amazing healing medicine.  In the meantime, thankfully I have freezer meals that Tim did for me for mother's day and my birthday. 

I will just allow myself to be in this unsettled place and float along through it enjoying the fun scenery along the way.  (Right now my son and 2 of his friends are playing wii and making fun happy noises!  It puts a smile on my face too!)

I am sick alot these days

So this is what it feels like to be sick all the time.  I have been bedridden for the past week.  I went to my primary care doctor today because I thought I had strep throat.  I didn't.  It is wonderful to not have to add another antibiotic.  I am just herxing.  Herxing is when all your symptoms flare up when the Spirocyetes are being killed off and it is a miserable thing!  But it is part of the healing so I am glad to be here.

What do I do being so sick?  Trying to sleep a lot.  In between naps I get to watch the kids playing & talk with them.  I listen to music as I try to sleep or a relaxation CD.  Also I got a subliminal healing CD (I requested it from my dad and he had it sent this week!!), that is not nearly as hokey  as it sounds!  It is actually really beautiful with water falls and has a few positive statements to think about while watching the scenery.   I have taken my kids to a summer library program and I got some books on CD which helps when I am hurting too much to hold a book (sounds ridiculous but I am hurting a lot these days).  I just finished The Giver.  Incredible story.  Also, when I can hold a book, I am reading Grace (eventually) by Anne Lammot.    The library also has some great dvd's.  I have been trying to get documentary's so I feel like I am not completely wasting my brain.  The first day of summer break, my daughter was whining she was bored and in her tirade said "and when you watch tv all you watch is dumb boring documentaries!".  I thought it was hilarious! 
Being sick is a whole lot of feeling awful in the midst of life continuing.

A+ Job

Last week I got to see my amazing doctor!  It is so wonderful to no longer dread going to a doctor.  Instead, I look forward to it knowing that I will get help in treating/healing my body!  Also, I get to go to Seattle and I always feel positive energy in the air!

My mom picked me up at 6:15 am and dropped me off at 10pm.  Long day but so much to be grateful for. 

1. My mom is amazing.  Easy going. Sweet.  Funny. Helpful.  A great person to travel with even when given a 1 & 1/2 hr flight delay.
2. I had my new camera with me and got to take quirky pics.  Like the window handle in our rental car. I had not seen a manual handle to roll up/down a window in well over a decade.  They are really a nuisance!  (It was fun to get annoyed by such a trivial thing!  Great distraction from the bigger things!)

3. Received some ideas/help on how to deal with some difficult symptoms I've been dealing with.  Doctor said no nuts and seeds for awhile but added a protein drink.  So that is mixed excitement!  Doctor went over my monthly labs and it showed my kidneys and liver working "to perfection", doctor's words!  My weekly jobs of detoxing are paying off!  Ready to start a new antibiotic that should continue to kill off those buggers! 

4. My doctor cares about the whole person and I am always encouraged when seeing her.  She will say pearls of wisdom.  This time she said, " Illness awakens many gifts!".   What an exciting way to look at this time in my life!     

Now I am home to the mundane hourly tasks to keep my body going in a healing direction.  The biggest struggle this week is trying to figure out what to eat using only beans/legumes, meat (only once a day) and veggies without having to cook every meal.   It took me a week to recover from my doctor day so I am behind on freezer meals.

A unexpected beautiful thing happened tonight at dinner.  Somehow my kids ended up meal planning for me from my old vegetarian cookbooks.  It was so cute, they each were flipping through the cookbooks and then would find a recipe and rattle off questions to see if it pasts the momma's diet requirements!   They make it so worth it to push through and aim for more A+ tests!