Another Year Older, Another year towards my Goal

Today is my birthday.  Last week I had about 30 symptoms I was dealing with.  I still had to work, be a mom and wife.  Saturday night hit and my body screamed, "No More DAMMIT!".

Two months ago I switched my doctor.  That was an incredibly hard decision.  I had been declining in my health for over a decade and under her care I was able to see much improvement.  However, she was very expensive and if I was going to be able to finish treatment I needed to find a quality specialist that is more affordable.  I hate how expensive and complicated it is to treat Lyme...it is truly insane!

This new Lyme Literate doctor took me off about 40 pills a day that my previous doctor had prescribed.   When Saturday night hit and I could only walk with major concentration on each step and would get dizzy spells (and a bunch of other terrible symptoms), I thought, "Oh Crap!  I am getting worse!".  My doctor had been out of town Friday and wasn't able to return my messages until Monday, at which time he concluded it was herxing.  That is the nasty side effect of killing off Lyme.  The strength of the herx depends on the intensity of the treatment.  The trick is to not treat too hard that the body is unable to function in a normal way.

I have spent the last 4 days detoxing (baths, sauna, a gazillion cups of water ect) resting and sleep sleep sleeping.  Also my hubby did a bunch of juicing veggies and cooked me some healthy meals. I am so pleased to say I am feeling much better.  That is wonderful but I am still pissed.

I am infuriated that I am 2 1/2 years into intensive treatment and have stabalized.  I have goals.  I want to fully live.  I want the energy inside of me to be able to escape.  I want to skate.  That was my spring goal: to trail skate slowly for (5-20 minutes).  My ankles have given out and ones in a boot the other an ace bandage.

As long as I can remember I have skated.  As a kid we were blessed with a huge driveway and would spend  our summers swimming at Heathers and skating at Chrissys.  Then as a teen I skated everywhere, everyday.   My favorite was to skate along the beach for hours.  Then when I lived in Seattle I loved to skate on the trail, again for hours.  I frequently skate there in my meditations.  It is the most incredible beautiful skate.  I bet CDA and Spokane have comparable gorgeous trails to skate on & I am going crazy waiting to find out for myself!

Ok so new goal:
1.  Next spring, trail skate
2.  Next May 15, have a big 40th birthday party with dancing (and get to participate for more than a minute and NOT getting wiped out for days after!).

This year?  Realize I have to make small goals that consist of each day making sure I adhere strictly to my treatment and I need to drink a gazillion cups of water, take pills on time throughout the day, sleep those 12 hours a night my body needs to heal, let worry go, avoid sugar and gluten, hug & laugh with my kids, hubs and friends!



     

Rat Race

As my health was showing signs of improving, my plans got to get moving.  When you are forced to not move and do much you have time to plan.  I had a lot of time to wish and plan.  I also had time to do my daily exercise (even if it was two 5 minute walks),  stretch, weekly detox, eat right, meditate, ect ect.  As I felt a little better I got to start knocking things off my to do list and then realized I could do more and more.

Today, I am writing this while a horrific headache feels like it is attacking me.  It has become "normal" again for me.  My commitments are high so I must move on through it.  So it is time for me to get smart.  Control what I can.  That is food, water intake, breathing (taking deep breaths throughout day), stretch, choose to think in a positive way, do not hold onto negative thoughts.

The food is what I realized I had to get organized about.  I meal planned for some healthy soup/stews and some salads (things that could be made in bulk so I can have it all ready to grab for breakfast and lunches).   Then I shopped.  Now I am having to choose to eat that healthy stuff and stand up to the temptation to eat what is easy and terrible for my body.

It is a rat race we ALL live in.  We ALL have to figure out how to navigate through remembering our priorities. I choose to get the most out of it.  (and that is what I have to remind myself when temptations come my way....I choose NO!).

32 Pills!  Yup that is my after breakfast & after lunch "treat".  I am at my work right now.  I had to take a break to get down these beggars.  

     It is wonderful that I have an private office to keep my stash of pills, water, food and other items I still need for my healing.  However, I am battling the agitation of taking these guys & still having to care so tenderly to my body needs.  I want to take some of the focus off ME.  Or maybe I just want to shift the focus to other things.   

     At my last doctor apt, my protocol was all changed up and I have had a lot of problems getting all the new pills.  As you might have noted, there is a lot!  Part of the problem has been money and part has been snow & the holiday season slowing down receiving them.   I still do not have all of them and it has been a month.  I am so dang frustrated because if I am going to keep having to deal with the troubles of Lyme, I want to do as much as I can to get well.  (But then there is an opposing view in my head too.  I also do not want to only eat veggies and protein right now. ) So to clarify, I want to do the easier stuff to heal.  

     The 2 sides of my mind are just battling it out when it comes to food.  I am not off the band wagon completely but have been having corn items and gluten free items with sugar.  For me that is not good.  My stomach is now swelled to looking like I did when I was 6 months pregnant.  A few years ago that was a big sign something was seriously wrong.  Now it is a undeniable red flag I am am not eating right (right for me at this time in my life).  Eating only veggies and protein takes time and effort to not make it boring and I just can't seem to focus on that with everything else going on in my life.

     Back to work.

Gone but Good

     Ok, it has been way too long since I have written an update.  I have been gone from writing but I am doing GOOD!
      Last summer I felt so much improvement,  I knew I was getting better.  Since my treatment began I wondered how much better I would get.  I still wonder, but I do not have as many doubts as I used to.  I know I will make a recovery like I never could imagine.
     I am still sick and must limit my daily activities or I get alot of pain reminding me to take better care of myself.  But I have begun working part time.  It is wonderful to be able to dream a bit more of a more active life, of exercising, riding my bike, roller skating, hiking, swimming, going on water slides ect ect ect!
      The hard parts now are remembering that although I am feeling better I still have to take care of myself by a strict diet, lots of sleep, and taking all of my supplements/medicines.  My doctor is brilliant and although at times I absolutely hate taking my pills I now see that each one has a specific healing function and they are all part of my journey to health.  When I went back to work in August, I soon started to lag in taking care of my health and so my body had to scream at me (in a not very sweet way) to get back to my program!
      Now I make sure I am doing detoxing once a week, drinking at least 8-10 glasses of water a day, eating fresh garlic & healthy foods, sleeping sleeping sleeping and taking tons and tons of pills!
      Chronic Lyme is horrible, but our bodies want to heal and can heal if given the right circumstances.  I am lucky to have huge support from my husband to allow our house to be a place of healing for me.  I have also been extremely lucky to have received financial support to pay for all my expensive Lyme treatment.  I really feel for those who don't have those 2 key components   My prayer for 2013 is that we as a society will come closer to:
 In the near future, treatment can be covered by insurance, treatments will be quicker working, testing can be improved and knowledge of Chronic Lyme can become widespread & accepted.

To Live More Fully

As I am healing, and not feeling so sick constantly, I am able to have more choices.  For years, my "free time" was basically non-exsistant.  If I did do something fun for a bit I was in recovery, on bed rest, for days.  In this last year that has slowly been changing.  I am becoming more normal.

I feel like others, "normal", in that when I get a few minutes, what do I do with it?  Do I stay in touch with an old friend?  Or a new one?  Play games on the computer?  Organize paperwork?  Draw or be creative?  Watch TV?  Play with my kids (what they want to play)?  Meal plan?  Detox bath?  Ect....?....?....?   My mind gets cluttered with these choices, and I end up choosing the laziest.  I don't want to waste time, I want to treat myself as more important than that.

I was talking with a friend the other day who was sharing about the struggles of being a mom and keeping balance within herself, the kids and her home.  But before long, she stopped sharing because she said she felt like it was whining compared to me dealing with my health problems.  In no way did I feel like her struggles were whines.

The thing I realize is struggle is always there for each person.  We each have our own Sh#t to deal with and in that struggle we can all relate.   When we take a look at our day to day life, we all share a desire to be more than we are currently being.  We see where we are damaged.  At times it can weigh us down.  We feel isolated because it is OUR issue(s) that we have to figure out how to muster up the strength to respond to.  We realize life is valuable and we have to be sure we are making the most of it.  Everyone has a story, a story of how they are trying to make the most of this life, and a story of why they try hard or try just a little at living.  Your story is as important as mine.  I tell my story to live more fully.  Please tell me yours so I can live more fully.